WHO THE CUM IS JAMIE BURTON?
Jamie Burton is the editor, reviewer, chief bucket operator and legally unqualified moisture inspector behind Metal Cumblast.
The Myth
Jamie emerged from beneath a stack of promotional CDs with one clear purpose: to judge metal albums while making the entire process wetter, louder and significantly less dignified.
She believes every riff deserves a fair hearing, every press release deserves suspicion, and every website needs at least one fluorescent puddle that nobody can explain.
The Method
Albums are placed in the official Cumblast bucket and subjected to a rigorous sequence of listening, squinting, nodding, muttering and unnecessary desk slapping.
Scores are awarded only after Jamie has asked the essential question: “Did this riff make the bucket move?”
The Standards
Metal Cumblast accepts no bribes unless they are extremely funny, physically sticky or delivered by a person wearing chainmail. Even then, Jamie may simply eat the envelope.
All opinions are independent, badly behaved and washed down with something that probably should not be near a keyboard.
Contact Jamie
Reviews, news, complaints, mysterious stains and deeply regrettable professional enquiries can be sent directly to the slime desk.
Email Jamie BurtonTHE CUMBLAST MANIFESTO
- The riff comes first.
- The bucket comes second.
- No paragraph shall remain completely dry.
- A score of ten means Jamie briefly stopped complaining.
- Heavy metal journalism should leave a mark on the furniture.